When Understanding Isn't Enough: The Power of Acceptance

We want to understand things. Of course we do. We also want to understand other people and why they behave in a certain way. But what to do when understanding is beyond our reach?

I was working with two clients who were in a romantic relationship. They were madly in love with each other and yet both came to me complaining that the other one doesn't understand them. Case in question: how the other reacted when they needed support and comfort. When feeling down, he wanted to be hugged. On the other hand, when somebody would hug her when she was feeling down, she would get upset because for her that was a sign of pity, not support.

Neither of them could comprehend how a hug (for her) or a lack of it (for him) could signal that they were there for their partner. So what they would do when the other needed support is start from their own vantage point and offer the type of comfort that they wanted: when she was down he would hug her, when he was down she wouldn't hug him. And both ended up even more hurt.

There are things in life we might never understand and that's okay. What we need in such situations is acceptance: a way to acknowledge what is. Even if it doesn't make sense to us, it might make perfect sense to someone else. This shift allows us to move from frustration to empathy, building connections even when the logical gaps remain.